Tonight a friend of my parents' invited me to her daughter's party. I didn't want to go because I know I'm going to end up sitting in a corner by myself nursing my plate of food and smiling vacantly at whoever passes by my chair.
The daughter belongs to a group of friends that grew up together and are very close. I am not part of this large clique even if I've known pretty much all of them for years and years. I don't think I've even spoken to any of them for longer than three seconds. Even if I did want to "make friends" with them (which I don't), I can't. The only way one can be a part of this clique is to either be going out with one of them or if you're related to them. I told my parents no I'm not going. I'll just give her her present when I see her next and make my excuses. My parents got mad. They said I'm not friendly and that I should just go up to their group and start making conversation. My parents are close friends with her parents why can't I be friends with her? Blah, blah, blah.
I know it's my parents' greatest wish for me to be part of that group. But they just don't understand the whole clique thing. It's impossible, in a way I cannot explain, to penetrate that invisible shield that stands between myself and their group.
Oh gosh, I loathe myself for sounding so immature... Am I making a big deal out of this? I don't have to be friends with them to go to this party... I could just go for an hour then leave. I am always a victim of Murphy's Law so it might turn out better than what I am imagining will happen. I can take one hour of discomfort, of awkwardness, feeling very much an outsider.
3 comments:
If I was in your shoes, I probably wouldn't have gone either. There's nothing worse than feeling like an outsider looking in...well, that's in my opinion anyway!
In happy news, I've nominated you for an award. You can find it here:
http://juliesj0ttings.blogspot.com/2009/09/ive-got-award.html
I think it's harder for people to break old cliques then new ones.
You've known these people for a long time, and everyone has already established themselves. I, personally, would feel the same way as you and wouldn't go.
On the other hand, it's much easier to break new cliques, like when you go off to college. Introducing yourself to groups of people, being friendly, and forming new relationships is easier when the historical tension isn't there.
Oh gees, I totally understand this.
Middle school and high school never die......it just lives on and lives on and lives on.
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